Uncooked Truth: I’m Such a Douche When Buying a Car

So Josh is buying a new car. He’s also a giant pain in the ass when looking at cars he wants to own. Here’s why.

I’m sure you can imagine that I love what I do. When car companies drop off new cars in my driveway for me to do whatever with is just fantastic. I know many of you are jealous.

But there is a problem with being an auto critic. You see, whenever I review a car, I review it as if I own it and I’m you, not me. I prefer to test a car in the mind and eyes of you the buyer. Why, you ask? Because when I was selling cars I came to the conclusion rather quickly that 99% of people do not agree with me on what a car should be like. I believe that every car sold should be equipped with a manual as standard. You want nearly a thousand horsepower, and I don’t. If it has 300 hp and is slow in a straight line but fast in the corners, I’ll take it.

So that’s why I look at it from your eyes.

That’s why it’s so much harder for me to buy a car than it is for you. When you go to buy a car you’re contending with your hatred of car dealerships, salesman, and messing about with your personal finances.

My issues I’m dealing with are much simpler: cars sold today aren’t made for me.


Just the other week I sold my 2007 Porsche 911 Carrera S. My car was sadly very expensive to own because of numerous issues created for me by the previous owner. Regardless, I loved my 911. But now it’s time to decide what I want, and I’m literally the biggest pain in the ass when it comes to buying a car. I’ll be daily driving it, so I want something fun and comfortable. I prefer to have leather and navigation, and it has to have Xenon headlights and a manual gearbox. No autotragics or dumb dual-clutches need apply when I’m putting a car in my personal garage. I literally hate anything without a clutch so much that I get antsy when I’m not driving a stick as my personal car.

So what the hell do I do? Yesterday I went and looked at the 2015 Subaru Impreza WRX STI, but sadly they’ve all been sold at each dealer near me. Luckily one dealer is getting two Launch Editions in soon, so I’ll be able to drive one of those.

But then I think I’d love the usability of a hot hatch like the Ford Focus ST. I need something that can carry two German Shepherds, and a hot hatch wagon would be perfect. But then the Focus ST is pretty uncomfortable for daily use at times.

Should I buy another used Porsche 911 Carrera S? Screw the dogs, they can walk.

How about I just say “screw it” and go buy another E9x M3? Of all performance cars I’ve ever owned it was the absolute best on maintenance. I had zero issues in 65,120 miles of ownership.

Maybe I’ll order the all-new 2015 S550 Ford Mustang GT… But then I think, do I want a two-door Mustang when I have two dogs? They’ll fit, for sure. Albeit semi-uncomfortably on any long drive to the beach. I used to have a 2008 Bullitt Mustang, and I loved it. Some have mentioned that I should shut my pie hole and buy a 2013 Boss 302. The biggest problem when buying the 2015 Mustang is waiting until the fall to actually get it. No thanks!

But then I love this 2011 BMW 1-Series M Coupe I found in Albany, NY, at a place called -now get this- Car Wash Cars, inc. Weirdly it’s only $47,000 with 11,xxx miles. How the hell is that possible? Well, it has a Vermont salvage title. Damn. But the car seems to be in perfect order, and I’d definitely have an independent tech take a really good, hard look at it.

Oh screw it, I’ll just go and buy a 2015 Volkswagen Golf GTI. But it’s not really big enough for my dogs and luggage.

Okay, I’ve got it. I’ll get two cars. A cheap, older sports car, and a wagon, truck, or small SUV to handle my dogs. But then, why the hell would I buy two cars when I can get one? Oh, that’s right, because car companies are trying to appease the masses of morons currently buying cars. Thank you, wimps. Let’s not get me started on the current automotive trends that will take over the future and ruin it for all of us enthusiasts.

Damnit, that’s it. I seriously can’t take it anymore. I even talked ad nauseam about this very topic on my Facebook page with all my friends last week. Here, see for yourself, and feel free to reply there, too.

Help my, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.

That’s it, just give me my old 911 back. I’m done with this crap.