Everyone Has A Mustang

4

I’ve always loved Mustangs. And now I have one. I’ll always remember the black with rust damage on the lower parts of the body of the 1967 Mustang my brother had when I was growing up. He was always, like me, looking for the odd deal that stood out to him, not anyone else. This ’67 was pretty special, though. Apart from being a 4-spd manual, it also had 400hp. All I remember him telling me back in the day was that it had a modified Mustang Cobra engine. I watched him beat Cobra’s of the day, too. Pretty crazy car. Amazingly ugly, not-well-taken-care-of monster. He worked at a Jiffy Lube, so the drivers’ side floor was all oily like you just walked off the Spiffy Lube floor. Pretty funny to me.

Back in the day you didn’t have to worry about it so much. But as my age group has gotten older, undoubtedly dumber, as well, we have bought some odd cars and fixed them up in all the wrong ways. One of these highly cherished cheap rods is the Ford Mustang. It’s such a shame, really.

Owning the Bullitt I get lots of looks from Mustang owners. Modern day S197 (2005-2009 Mustang) owners either give me mean/weird looks, or they’ll give me a little nod. The ones that are always checking out my car are the guys that have the modded 1999-2004 GT’s. They seem to like my car, a lot. The 1994-1998 crowd seems to always want to drive next to me and park around me. This is fine by me. But, people, please have a Mustang that doesn’t make Jacqi want to vomit. Am I being mean? Absolutely. There are not many things in this odd world of ours that I hate more than a nice car gone to waste with an automatic transmission and/or a stupid owner. What’s with the clear taillights people? Is this really a styling cue? No, it’s not. I’m sorry to tell you. Another thing that gets me is when they have the stupid and ugly Borla or Flowmaster exhaust on a V6 Mustang that has no dual-exhaust ports coming out of the rear bumper. They just let it ride up against the stock V6 bumper. Really, rednecks? Really? Being in North Carolina you see Mustangs like this as much as you see grocery stores in the suburbs. One on every corner.

Sometimes the V6 Mustangs try and act all cool while sitting next to me at a traffic light, while driving next to me, or just when they park next to me. Look, I don’t care that you have a V6. But, damnit, dress up your ride right. Don’t get the mod bug and buy a bunch of billett grills, smoked lights, fake metal switch nobs, and such. I especially love when they lower the car right on top of the tires, or as it’s known as in the enthusiast community, “Dropping it on its nuts”.

Look, the only thing we have in common is that we bought a Mustang. No, I don’t want to sit next to you in a parking lot or at a car meet. I don’t want to sit at a table with you and associate with you because you turned what could have been a good car into a junk car. Good job. You’ve officially made me cringe and dry heave at the sight of your car.

Now, I know you may be saying, “Josh, c’mon. These guys spend their hard earned money to make their Mustangs more individualized and much nicer.” I got you covered. They could have taken all the money they spent on mods and labor costs and set it aside to purchase a better car… Just a suggestion of what I would do. I for one am not the type of guy to go out and start modding a V6 Mustang, Camaro, Firebird, or anything of the sort. That’s like buying a 2000 323i BMW and getting new wheels, maybe an uglyspoiler, maybe new, worthless exhaust, having it lowered, tinted to 5% all-around, and then taking the 323i badge off of it. Oh, wow… I had no idea it was a retarded 323. I thought everyone did that to their BMWs. NO, THEY DON’T! GIVE IT UP, MORON. We know you have nothing under the hood and an automatic transmission. Don’t try and play with me on the road like you have a 3.2L I6 ///M motor hiding away in there. Oh, and take off the M3 side gills. It’s not helping you look any cooler. Don’t add M3 bumpers, either. I won’t defend you anymore than if you didn’t have them.

My friends know that I have a habit of not being afraid to make a scene because some ill-informed enthusiast has a worthless car. If they do it respectfully and tasteful, more power to them. I’ll give them props all day. Add a bunch of worthless shit that you just wasted too much money on, and I will tell you about it.

This is, as I’ve said before, not just limited to the Mustang crew. You’ll find it in the Mercedes-Benz, BMW, Audi, VW, Camaro and Firebird crowds.

People, have fun with your cars. But, please, mod them well and right. If need be, send me an e-mail asking for my personal tastes and preferences to help you not look like a ricer with an American or German car. For instance, this is not the way to modify your Mustang, or this, either. I love the Cobra markings all over the orange GT Mustang… So special. Oh, wait, the owner is the one who’s “special”. At least, that’s probably what his mommy always told him. In my honest opinion, (would you expect anything less? Didn’t think so.) each one of those tools is asking about, oh…$5,000 too much.

-Josh

“Happy Motoring!”